Family Renovations

The generational change from nuclear to extended family may be the manifestation that gives families their surly reputation. What was once a household fractures into pieces which are separated by great distances, and whose parts develop independently, losing a conscious understanding of the whole. When those family pieces become entirely independent and cease to associate with the others, a new family is formed. When they try to reconnect, there is inevitably going to be a collision of the past with the future, which is often not uplifting. I think this happens because of the lack of interest and faith we place in continuity. There is an important link between what was and what is coming to be.

Seeing in our extended family, parts of ourselves which have, in our view, gone awry is the beginning of the tension that accompanies family visitations. Seeing other successful solutions to some underlying subconscious motivation  is often another source of tension, especially since one is given the impression in our culture that one is unique, and that there is always a hierarchy to choices. It doesn't feel good to think that one is not the best, whatever that means. Since we are not an intellectual culture, the urge to leave the occult hidden drives us to leave the uncomfortability of meetings with other parts of ourselves uncomfortable and not understood; in short, nasty.

Part of the solution to the stress of these meetings is curiosity. "How am I the way I am", is actually more understandable as one's family pool of investigation grows. Part of the answer is genetic, part opportunity, and part internal constitution. Part of the answer will remain a mystery. The uniqueness of each individual is highlighted during family gatherings, and would be celebrated, if hierarchy and competition were understood not to be appropriate within families.

Understanding and accepting differentiation as a positive force, or acknowledging it as a force at all would help us appreciate the gift we have in our extended family. Respecting that differentiation during holiday meetings, rather than only at funeral gatherings would serve us all, both during the holidays and during the rest of the year we spend by ourselves.